The Badass Playlist: Our Retired Explorer.

I'm not sure when or why I started listening to The Weakerthans, but they'll always remind me of high school. Walking to school in the snow before my friend Sydney had a car, or on days she slept through first period. 

The singer used to be in Propagandhi, but I definitely prefer this band. Something about people screaming about anarchy and veganism grates on the nerves after a while. 


 I've mentioned it before, but I do find that Canadian artists are really visual. It's really obvious in this song, where the lyrics are basically descriptions of nature meant to go with the "retired explorer" vibe of the thing. Once you get used to the singer's voice (it took me a bit), the lyrics are pretty excellent to any song by this band.

Not going to lie to you, my favourite part of this is "Comment allez-vous ce soir?/ Je suis comme ci comme ça/ Yes, a penguin taught me French / Back in Antarctica", because French penguins would be adorable.

If you like this song, look into the band! A couple of my favourites are "The Reasons", "Plea From a Cat Named Virtute" and "One Great City", but I can't think of one I don't like.

DIE HARD IS AMAZING.

I do not remember it being that good. Holy Jesus, that was easily the best movie of all time. ALL TIME, Y'ALL.
The witty=quipping-to-himself, the supporting characters of amazingness, the vaguely Christmassy yet ominous score throughout, the otherwise not that hot Bruce Willis being SMOKING HOT AND INJURED AND THE MOST INTERMINABLY BADASS CHARACTER TO EVER BE CHARACTERIZED!!
Seriously. Christmas tradition was just born.

Merry Christmas!

How was your day? Mine was really good. Watched Toy Story 3, cried my eyes out.
My sister bought me a set of all the Die Hard dvds. ALL OF THEM.
AAAALLLL FOUR OF THEM.
AWW YEAH.

Anyway, Merry Christmas.

FUCK TAYLOR SWIFT.

FUCK HER, I HATE THAT BITCH.  Does she seriously need to be the most annoying person in the known universe AND ALSO DATE JAKE GYLLENHAAL?!! WHAT THE PSYCHOTIC FUCKBAG IS THIS?

As much as I love him,  I simply cannot get on board with this Taylor Swift-dating that he's doing. Why would he think for even a minute that dating a whiny teenage country singer who looks like Cindy Lou Who had a baby with a dopey bunny is a good thing for him to be doing right now EVER?

It makes me question his judgement and his character in general. I'm loathe to even think such a thing, but... Taylor Swift might be ruining Jake Gyllenhaal for me.
And for that she must die.

She's contaminating the hot. 

Blargh, I say! Blarrrrgghh!!

Readers. All two of you. I've been neglecting you. This is not because I love you any less than I did in September, and it is not your fault (nor was my divorce from your father, that was just grownup business). It's just because I'm not sure if anyone would want the mental vomit I'd be churning out lately.
I may actually be losing my mind.
Can we put that on my list of fears? Right up there with being trapped, birds, and being trapped with birds? Excellent, thank you.

The Badass Playlist: Sheep Go To Heaven.

Let's talk about Cake. I wanted to give it to you. I wanted to post the creepy video for this song. Really, I did!
But then... then youtube showed me this incredibly adorable cover, and I decided to provide you with that instead.

I love this song. Possibly because I'm a goat and it's nice to know there are others who are managing to not fail miserably at all things. Also it makes me think of that bit someone said about to going to hell for the company.. I'll look up what it is that I'm thinking of, exactly.

OH HELL YES. OF COURSE IT WAS MARK TWAIN. 

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."

That's what it was.

I hope there's an afterlife, because I will punch ethereal(/demonic, as the case may be) bitches in the throats in order to get in touch with Mark Twain. 

Have you seen the mustache he was rocking, for one thing? That there is a man.

But back on the topic of this song! The man doing the cover is Lisa's future husband, and I will make that happen by whatever means necessary. Enjoy!
 =)

Ewan McGregor, you guys.

I want him.
I want him and his motorcycle globetrotting.
I want him and his motorcycle globetrotting and his BEARD.
I want him and his motorcycle globetrotting and his BEARD and his SCOTTISH ACCENT.

What more could a girl possibly want? A bearded Scotsman who travels the world on a motorcycle? PERFECT HUSBAND. Just give me two minutes to learn to ride what is essentially half a car but without the containment provided by a roof, and we'll ride off into the sunset.

Motorcycles: Safe enough for real men.

What is it with me and beards lately? If anyone has some insight into this issue, I'd love to hear it.

The Badass Playlist: Coochie

Sooo, MAYBE I like this song a bit because there's a woman with my name in it being considered sexy by Ludacris.
BUT ALSO IT'S SUPER CATCHY.

Here's the first version I heard, the Blakroc one:

(A brief analysis: This song is a tribute to the vagina. )

AWESOME, RIGHT? I love songs about sexy ladies with minimal rapper bravado! Well... there's some bravado happening here. Ol' Dirty Bastard referring to himself as "the king" (of what, ODB? Please specify.) as part of some misguided attempt to get this honey named Renee to let him hit it again, Ludacris' little "aren't I dope" line, which may or may not be sincere... Ah, well. it's close. And these ladies, while being definitely objectified and fictional, are at least people with names and stuff, right? This pleases me.


Unrelated: Ol' Dirty Bastard was kinda scary-sounding. Did you know he's dead? I did not, until I looked him up. Turns out he's been dead for six years, and was the original artist of this song!
For reference, here is the original version.

Exact same lyrics, probably even the same recording of said lyrics, but totally different beat, and without the Black Keys' instumental business. Interesting, right?
I'm definitely in favour of the Blakroc version because of the incredibly sexy/drugtastic guitar/fuzzy noisemaker work, but it's interesting to know that version is somewhat of a remix! For some reason I imagined Dan Auerbach and Ludacris chillin' together during the production of this song, drinking beer and such.
Hopefully that still happened.

Owww

OW OW OW FUCKING OWWWW.

Friends!

I submit this without comment.
It's all true, though. =)

My dog, you guys.

He's seriously so adorable.

Pepper is a huge advocate of snow, specifically of burrowing through it looking for hidden dog cookies. The only problem with this game is his tendency to accumulate snow all over his fluffy little body. Wet snow especially sticks to him like glue, and when he come back in the house covered in it, it globs together into these monstrous ice balls all over.

Like this poor bastard. But smaller.

Obviously this makes him very distressed and sad, so the natural to solution is to stand him under a warm shower for five or so minutes until he's all melted and looks like a wet rat.

This dog is not Pepper, but believe me when I tell you it is an accurate representation of his morosity.

Poor puppy. I'm going to go take him for a walk so he's not too pissed off when the inevitable shower happens!

Apology Hot Man.

It's been a really long time since I've posted! This is primarily due to me being boring and not thinking up anything funny, but now I will soldier on!
As an apology, I give you this:

In case you need more convincing of the awesome, other than the video itself, I will provide.

• Tom Jones.
• Tom Jones covering a Three Dog Night song.
• After further investigation, I can verify that this guy is English, has Italian grandparents, is tall, and enjoys Nintendo.  (So I had some free time. Sue me.)
• He's also really quite talented with animation and things if you feel like watching his other videos. The internet is a black hole.
• TOM JONES. COVERING THREE DOG NIGHT.

Anyway, hope you forgive my absence. We'll be seeing more of each other, I swear.  <3

The Badass Playlist: Have Love, Will Travel

This one is in honor of Lisa coming home on her birthday which is the raddest thing ever known to man. I don't know if other peoples' memories work like mine, but I have VERY SPECIFIC memories tied to every song. Sometimes lots, sometimes just one. I have a couple Lisa-centric ones for this particular song.

This song is a cover to begin with, and it's been covered many times after this recording, but to me it's the definitive version. It's physically impossible to listen to for even 5 seconds without dancing, it's got a sax solo. (You know sax is all boys are after these days.) It was in Rocknrolla. Which I just learned a few seconds ago BUT TOTALLY ADDS TO THE AWESOME.

It is probably the one of the most oft-played songs on my ipod thanks to last summer, along with a few Bowie songs that are extremely danceable and were in A Knight's Tale.
Really, what's better than a song that reminds you of driving around with a dear friend? Nothing.
Especially if that friend is as big a fan of seat-dancing and dangerous hair-whipping as oneself.

I need to go find my ipod. Like now. =/

Hypnotizing.

The Badass Playlist: Suga Mama

I've listened to this 7 times tonight. It's working for me. Aside from the obvious hotness (have I mentioned she's hot lately?) there's the song itself. 

I'm not in favour of the sex-money relationship, but she makes buying a man stuff sound fun. The badass guitar, the cigar, the ... hair. I dunno, I didn't have a third thing. It's all very appealing.

Isn't it enough that i love the song, and Beyonce Knowles? Do I need to give you witty commentary, too? it's 2 in the morning, damnit, and all i want to do is wear my pantsuit and pole dance! WHY IS THIS SO HARD?!

Badass Playlist: Upgrade U

"I can do for you what Martin did for the people."  (Lisa, you called it. Martin and Beyonce totally happened somehow.)
HIRED.
WHEN CAN YOU START?
I WANT TO BE BEYONCE'S PROJECT.
Ultimate lady-crush, fo realz.



She's so pretty. And talented, obviously.
But... in this video one of her outfits is like 99% pearls. And she's pulling it off. (?!)  How does a person get to be the classiest bitch on Earth like that?

The Badass Playlist: Freakum Dress

STEPHACHU. THIS ONE IS FOR YOU. 

IT'S ABOUT BEING REVENGE-HOT, FOR FUCK'S SAKE. THAT'S BASICALLY YOUR FAVOURITE PASTIME.

The more I see of Beyonce, the less straight I become. 

Seriously, HOW IS SHE SOO HOT?

LOOK AT HER WEARING GLASSES. OMG SO HOT.

I'm just going to continue posting Beyonce videos for a while. Hope that's cool with everyone.

The Badass Playlist: Ring The Alarm

Despite being ambivalent towards relationships in general, I sincerely hope that if a man of mine were cheating, I would go THIS CRAZY:

Even when I'm terrified of Beyonce she is still my top lady-crush.

IT'S COMING.

THE SIX FLAMING CIRCLES OF THE MENSTRUATION ZONE

PHASE ONE: BLOAT LIKE A LIFEBOAT.
 During which I inhale all food-based things in the world. My kitchen is emptied, the chocolate stores of our city are depleted, and the lovely men at Mac's give me knowing/fearful looks. I begin my transition into hippodom

PHASE TWO: OPERATION KIDNAP MENFOLK.
 During which Man List entries triple, my neck suffers from constant whiplash, and the Rogers near my house is immediately out of all Jake Gyllenhaal movies. Also, youtube breaks because of all the times I watch the "Bad Romance" video where he talks in French.
When all that gets old, I put on my sexiest man-pants and hit the dog park.

PHASE THREE: CUNTPUNCHING ANGERFURY
 I 100% blame my uterus for this. It's bitter because I failed to put a baby in it during phase two. Uterus does not take disappointment well. As a result, I become a SheHulk of irrational jugular rippage. And, of course, cuntpunching. During this violent and manic phase my newfound hippoesque shape begins to make sense, as I am also the most dangerous and lethal animal in the world.

PHASE FOUR: SOUL-WRACKING WEEPFEST
 Maybe it's the guilt over phase three, but once the blinders of pure rage have been taken off I succumb to what can only be describes as sheer mental and emotional instabilty. Any little thing will set me off, and most of them do. My favourite place to cry deeply for no reason? under the overhang of my kitchen counter by the fridge.
During this phase I tend to use up an incredible amount of tissue and watch The Notebook like 40 times.

PHASE FIVE: LABOR-SIMULATING ICEPICK CRAMPS.
 I think you know.
At least I'm prepared for the inevitable Viking triplets.  (Knowing my luck and my penchant for light-haired men, it's bound to happen...)


PHASE SIX: OPEN THE FUCKING FLOODGATES, ALREADY. SERIOUSLY, ENOUGH PREGAME BULLSHIT, UNLEASH SPARTA BEFORE I STAB MYSELF WITH A HAAGEN-DAZS POPSICLE STICK.

...and with that, monsoon season is underway.


********NOTE!!*******
The above information should be visualized not as a sequential list or stable pyramid. It's a Venn diagram, meaning that sometimes two or more (or, God forbid, ALL) of the phases may coexist simultaneously.
Go forth and conquer, my fellow hormonal head cases.

The Badass Playlist: Touch The Sky

Lisa, this one is for you specifically. You have said you don't get my love for KANYE, so I've picked the video which will best illustrate my reasoning to you.
Okay, actually I just love this one because Nia Long is hilarious in it, and the 70s were great. You'll notice they sample the first Badass Playlist song for this one, and in the video include an unaltered clip. Maybe the influence of Curtis Mayfield is behind my deep love of this song, but KANYE in general stands on his own to me.
You don't need to agree. But in the case of Nia Long hilarity, I think you will.

The Badass Playlist: Apeman

This might be one of my favourite songs of all time. I found it this summer, and it is marvellous. The Kinks put to word/music exactly how I feel, complete with chill, backyard barbeque-on-an-island vibe.

Earlier today, I was feeling shitty. Now, with the help of The Kinks and Supertramp, I feel much better.
Listen to it, and try to resist imagining a cartoony jungle scene.
OHMAHGAD. NO WONDER I LOVE THIS SONG SO MUCH. IT IS CLEARLY SIMILAR IN THEME TO "THE JUNGLE BOOK" WHICH WAS MY CHILDHOOD FAVOURITE.  =D

Urrggg.

Today is gross. Late October is never pretty around here, and it sucks.
Also contributing to the suck:
My boobs hurt.
I'm crabby.
I wasted most of today waiting around and looking for pre-made bread dough.
I forgot to take my book back to the library.
There's a bunch of shit I've lost recently that was somewhat expensive.
My feet are cold.
Bad news from several sources.
I went back to my old school today and it made me really quite upset for no reason.  (How many of these things spell PMS to you?)


AANNNYYWWAAYYY. Not feeling so hot. As a result I am going to make delicious cheese buns and become massively fat. Why? Because I've never heard of an unhappy manatee.

Pushup bras.

These things are super hilarious. I kind of love them. 

There is a distinct worry about the whole false-advertising aspect of things, but can easily be circumvented by avoiding the use of a pushup when meeting men for the first time. By avoiding excessive boob-lifting usage, one can keep expectations realistic and also whip 'em out when the situation calls for it. Or when wearing a v-neck t-shirt. Or really any time. 

Boobs are fun. =)

The Man List: Astrological signs.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: AQUARIUS.
Taylor Lautner: ALSO AN AQUARIUS.
Ryan Gosling:  SCORPIO
Ryan Reynolds: ALSO A SCORPIO!
Colin Farrell: GEMINI
Brad Pitt: SAGITTARIUS!

Again, not that this means anything. It just seems like the sort of thing that should be included.

Astrology. Fo realz.

DISCLAIMER: I realize there is no scientific and/or factual basis for astrology whatsoever and it is all speculation and cash-grabbing. At no point have I forgotten this, nor will I ever contradict it. 

BUT SERIOUSLY GUYS. SOMETIMES IT'S SO ACCURATE I GET FREAKED OUT.

Earlier tonight I was talking Steph down from a pms-induced craziness (love you, Steph.) and we got onto the topic of Joseph Gordon-Levitt and his loin-wrenchingly good face. Being the weirdo I am, I mentioned that he is,  in fact, an Aquarius, leading us to a long discussion about what several different signs "mean" about people, and so on and so forth. 

We only read about Steph, me and Lisa, but holy crap, you guys. I kept expecting something to come up like "organized" or maybe "mysterious" or even "coordinated"  to just fuck it all to hell, but NOPE. NOT HAPPENING. THE FURTHER YOU GO INTO OUR CHARTS, THE MORE ACCURATE THEY BECOME. THIS IS WRONG, AND DEFIES LOGIC. 

Our basic, fundamental similarities are outlined in our sun sign, Sagittarius, and our subtle, more personal differences are CLEARLY EXPLAINED in the descriptions of our "moon signs". Not even sure what that means, but this book I have has legit creepy accuracy. (Steph's moon is in Cancer, mine is in Aries, Lisa's in Libra.) Every two sentences I'd be like "Oh, obviously. I could have told you that". It was weird.

It's not like any of the information was new or shocking to anyone involved, but the weirdly accurate book being weirdly accurate was the weird part. 

It was fucking weird. 

Lisa, get in touch with me. I'll explain to you what astrology thinks you should be like according to my creepy book.

OH YEAH. THE POINT OF THIS WAS TO ANNOUNCE THAT FROM NOW ON I WILL INCLUDE THE ASTROLOGICAL SIGNS OF MAN LIST ENTRIES. TAKE FROM THAT WHAT YOU WILL. (Or just ask me and I'll explain it. =D )

The Badass Playlist: There's An Arc

I've probably showed you this before, but watch it anyway. No complaining.


I love everything about this video and have watched it at least 90 times. There is no aspect of it that is in any way unsatisfactory. (Also, I would have sex with at least three of the band members. You probably know which ones if we've met at all. )
Even though I'm from Alberta, a province only linked to the Rock in the way that its people come here to find work, this band leaves me with what I can only interpret as a strong connection to the East. I'm pretty sure that seeing this band play live would induce a full on Canadiangasm, but I mostly really want to just be bros with these people.
And buy plaid.
Lots. and lots. of plaid.
LOOK AT HOW HUGE THE GUITARIST'S HANDS ARE HOOOOLY SHIT.

Girls.

It's easy to forget just how lucky I am to have such badass friends to count on. It baffles me consistently that there are people who don't recognize the awesomeness of my friends and instead decide to hang out with boring, stupid people who wouldn't help you move your couch if you paid them.
I love you guys.

BABIES, MOTHERFUCKER.

LEGENDARY BABIES.
THE NEIL PATRICK HARRIS AND DAVID BURTKA BABIES HAVE ARRIIIIVVEEDDD!! =D
THEIR NAMES ARE GIDEON SCOTT AND HARPER GRACE AND I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL THEY ARE ALL GROWN UP AND NPH IS FUCKING 60 AND STILL BEING AWESOME AT THEIR FIRST OSCARS.
WHY IS THIS SO EXCITING TO ME?!!

Detroit.

I think I'd like to go to Detroit. It gets a bad reputation sometimes, but the urban decay and rumored crime rates don't change the feeling I have that it's going to come back. I want to see the before and after, to tell my kids that I was there.
Detroit will rise again! And it will be awesome. I bet it's happening right now. Investors with money and young people with not-so-much money but an interest in city living will take over and the whole thing will be a bustling metropolis again in no time. Maybe it'll be a hipster mecca like Brooklyn. (Brooklyn wasn't the cool borough 20 years ago, right?) I'm sure a group of pretentious douches could find lots of irony in the economic failure of the motor city. Actually, no hipsters please.
And no more race riots, if possible. We can leave those behind in the 20th century.

The Man List: JOSEPH. GORDON. LEVITT.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt has a profound and extremely inconvenient effect on my reproductive system. 

"Ladies?"

Somehow, he's gone from adorable child/teen actor to among the most undergarment-ruining of men on the Earth. 

Where to even start?
Oh, I know. How about HIS AMAZING FACE.  

Excellent example photo, right?

Seriously, though. His face is amazing.  


Dark eyes that get all crinkly when he smiles, incredibly mobile/expressive eyebrows (y'all know how I love a good set of brows), gorgeous smirk, square jaw and just heartbreaking dimples. 

He is everything I want in a man and we haven't even progressed past his collar, for fuck's sake!

"You plan to keep your pants on, do you? We'll see.."

Deep breaths. We're going to get through this without spontaneously combusting, Anna. Chill.

Now, onto THAT VOICE.

He's growly and gravelly one minute, sexing my pants off with his sexiness and then, as if he decided to amp up the fuckability factor even further, bro decides to SING.
He makes even the most random songs into paralyzing anthems of sex with the crazy amount of feeling he puts into everything.
Oh, did I mention he does it all in TWO LANGUAGES?
That's right, bitches. He's fucking cultured.


Even the most hardened anti-Gaga crusader can't resist the man when he sexily sings Bad Romance while sexily being sexy with his sexy sex. I mean guitar.


Show me someone who thinks they hate this song, and I'll show you someone who leaves this video with a hand down their pants and no memory of how they got there. That good.


I don't speak a word of French, and even I could tell he's saying dirty things in that song. Just by the look on his face. Holy shit he's sexy.
(Looked it up. He's totally talking dirty. What a sexy beast.)

The supermodel is irrelevant

I could go on for many days about how very much I would like to have sex with Joseph Gordon-Levitt. And how very much I would have given to be here.
Instead of doing that, though, I'm going to simply let you decide for yourselves and tell me all about your conclusions.  


BUT FIRST.
MORGAN M. MORGENSEN.
MAKES ME HABERDASHED AND HORNIFIED.
He is verily procreational. 


That is all. =D

The Badass Playlist: My President

This song has very specific memories attached to it with both Lisa and Steph. If you are Lisa or Steph, try to remember!

FOR SOME STRANGE REASON MY SON ADDICTED TO POLOS!!!

I don't think Jeezy should be talking for all black people or anything, because she says some random crap in this song, but holy shit do I love it. It's TRIUMPHANT, BITCHES!

I cried when Obama was elected. 

I also almost cried when this video censored "Honey's a pole-itician" which makes me lol every single time. SHE'S A POLE-ITICIAN, DAMN IT! STOP OPPRESSING HER. 

(Wouldn't it be nice if more people still got this fired up about the whole Obama thing? Besides Republican tv pundits, I mean.. Fox news doesn't count. I mean.. any lack of progress by his administration is pretty much due to constant opposition for no reason from stubborn, bitter Republicans, isn't it? Everyone has a right to their views, but does everyone's view need to involve a fucking filibuster every two seconds?
And Lambos. Who's keeping up with the colours of Jeezy's Lambos nowadays? These are the questions.)

EDIT:   BEST PART OF THIS VIDEO IS THE EXTREMELY EXCITED MAN GESTURING TO A TOTALLY RELATED SIGN THAT SAYS GANDHI.
SOMEWHERE AROUND "I WILL EMAIL JESUS".
THIS SONG IS GREAT. 

The Badass Playlist: Bust A Move

BUST IT.

...I was going to just leave it at that, but so much needs to be said about this video.

For one thing: the shirtless guy about 5 seconds in. More of him, please? He is clearly full of glee and contempt for torso adornment other than what the good lord gave him. (Chest hair. We're talking about chest hair and joyous dancing. Hot.)

Secondly: High-waisted bike shorts. Stretchy and practical, or spandex scourge of disappointment and circulation-ruination? Discuss. Why does every woman want to wear a pair of these?And what makes neon green ones so much sexier? I just don't understand.
Why does that one girl's have stop signs in the butt? YOUR BOOTY IS TELLING ME FULL SPEED AHEAD, BUT YOUR SHORTS ARE TELLING ME TO PUMP THE BRAKES.
STOP PLAYIN, GIRL.

Third: HIS HAIR. WHAT IS IT?! Speaking of things I don't understand, is Young MC's hair a baby fro-mullet? Why? Why is it that?! Just go the whole nine yards and get a haircut for the remaining 8% of your head, bro.

I'm too lazy to number things beyond three but I have additional concerns.:

-Your high school experience may have been different, but mine had abysmally few plaid-wearing strippers in the cafeteria. Maybe it was just on Wednesdays?

-JALIL?!!!

-How old is Young MC, really? That's a serious 'stache he has.

-Those bitches have SWEET leather jackets. Jealous.

-Is yellow bow girl experiencing seizures?

-This dance party actually just looks like unusually co-ordinated hipsters. Could this be the return of bike shorts?

- FLEA

IT'S FLEA

FLEA IS IN THIS VIDEO

WITH HIS STUFFED ANIMAL PANTS

OH MY GOD

OH MY FUCKING GOD.

ALL OTHER CONCERNS RENDERED IRRELEVANT.

-Oh, spoke too soon. This wedding. Oh my. Can we get married like this? I don't care to whom, but in these outfits. 

Anyway. BUST IT.

The Badass Playlist: Valerie

The Everclear song reminded me of this one, and it actually IS on the playlist!
There's some delicious pop going on in this song. People probably like to sing along with it as much as I do.
It's catchy as hell. I sing it in the shower often and loudly.
Do you liiiike it? (You might get that as a reference to my sister. If not, don't fret.)

I put it on the playlist because it seems like a song inclined towards group song-making and general positivity. Maybe it's the horns, maybe it's the "VALEREEEEHHHHH", but in any case it definitely works for me. I like when a band goes all-out on something simple. It's kind of like a grilled cheese sandwich of songs. Simple, but comforting, and never inappropriate or unappreciated.

The Badass Playlist: Santa Monica

Full disclosure: This was not technically on the original playlist, but it's been stuck in my head so I'm sharing it. Sometimes it comes on the radio and I'm struck by a strong urge to sing along loudly. Sadly I know only  3% of the words, so I looked it up!
Turns out it 100% goes with the 90's nostalgia I have no right to be feeling. Mmm, plaid..
Nostalgia for the 90s is kind of the same as nostalgia for the 70s in my mind. I'm sure the 60s and 80s were amazing and blah blah with the drugs and polyester and stuff, but there's something about the 90s and 70s that strikes me as kind of gritty and genuine and stripped-down, which I prefer. (Obviously both decades have their sparkly side, what with disco and boy bands, but ultimately what people remember is Zeppelin and Nirvana. Long-haired, denim-wearing rockers.)
Everclear was pretty popular, and I think fairly mainstream on rock radio, but the nice thing about good rock is it's immunity to being spoiled by exposure.
Anyway, here it is. Crank it if possible. 1995 misses you.

The Black Keys.

I was going to make this a Badass Playlist, but I can't pick!  There is no other band I an this head-over-heels for, no band I simply cannot look at objectively. It's like being waaaay too into a guy. Or at least what one imagines that feeling to be like.
I DEFINITELY LIKE THIS BAND MORE THAN ANY GUY EVER. (Not Earth shattering, considering my track record.) THIS IS A DEEP AND ABIDING LOVE.
I MUST AMASS CDS. RIGHT NOW.

Cats.

Cons:
Make me itchy.
Make my eyes feel like the Sahara.
Bitey.
Claws all over the place.
Shed like madmen.
Illogical levels of stink.
Wtf litter boxes?
Like to sleep on my face.
Don't listen.
Not dog people.

Pros:
KITTENS OMG.
SO FUCKING CUTEEEEEEE!!!!

Recent Decision.

I am in love with George Stroumboulopoulos. That man could tell me anything and I would believe him.

The Badass Playlist: Tunnels

Most people with any interest in indie music, Canadian music, or good music have heard of Arcade Fire. This whole album is beautiful, especially after a few listens.
I picked this onto the playlist because it's not as worn-out as some of the ones you may have encountered. You will find no hate for "Wake Up" here, but after being in that movie preview and being blasted in my friend's car every day for months on end, I can't even think too hard about that song without feeling the bile rise into my throat.
Which sucks, because it's gorgeous and used to affect me in such a fantastic way. Fortunately, there's always the rest of the album. (And the other albums!)
Anyway, enough babble.

I don't remember if this was a single or anything, but it's a great example of the slow-build type of song that I associate with the band.  It's just good. Usually here I ask if you agree, but I don't even care. If you decide to dislike Arcade Fire I will just pretend you didn't tell me anyway.

Most importantly: LISTEN TO THE ENTIRE ALBUM IN SEQUENCE.

The Badass Playlist: Planet Rock

This song is on the playlist purely because I feel Lisa will have a deep affinity for these men (Afrika Bambaataa) and their style of dress. If Lisa were able to let her sense of fashion run rampant the results would be similar to the band's costume bus. I'm assuming they need an  entire bus.
Hopefully this video helps you see where I'm coming from here.



Also people say that this song helped invent hip-hop as a genre, but I have no idea!
Thoughts? Questions?
Plans to buy giant headdresses or metallic Viking hats?
Lemme know.

ZZNNNN ZNNNZ NZNNNNZZNNNN <--3:30

DAD'S BEARD

IT'S STILL FUCKING AWESOME.

MY DAD. 
IS GROWING. 
A BEARD.

The Badass Playlist: The General Specific

There's no exciting video to this song, so just listen to it.


This is on the Badass Playlist simply because I love it. It's the sound of road trips and rivers and summer and barbeque. It's perfect to drive to, and it's going to be on repeat when I one day drive out to get Lisa from Newfoundland. (By the way, Lisa, is there no university less than 6 days drive from here?)

Maybe it's the influecne of the singer's magical beard, but I feel like most people will enjoy this song.  Tambourine, handclaps, piano reminiscent of an old saloon? Perfection.

Let me know if you agree.

Books.

I sometimes think about how weird it is that I've missed reading, but it isn't, really. Until recently I hadn't picked up a book in ages, and hadn't finished one in far, far longer. As a card-carrying bookworm, it should come as no surprise that I missed books like one misses a limb. (or maybe just a finger or two.)

During high school there was no shortage of reading, obviously, what with textbooks and paper-writing (when I actually engaged in such things). Also taking English taught me a lot about how to get more out of  "literature" by forcing it down my throat, so maybe that's why I barely noticed the absence of book stacks and staggering library fines. Putting a book in front of me would simply have been like chucking Evian at a drowning woman. 

Now, though, that I'm without the constant stimuli of school, the lack of books is thrown into sharp relief. There's only so much internet I care to see, and only so much Jersey Shore one person can watch before the real world becomes kind of tedious. (I mean, really. Who keeps thinking it's a good idea to bring in Angelina?! Fools.) Soon I'll get another job and finish my goddamnfuckingmath coursework and lack the time/energy to read, so I'm doing it now. This part of my life is the sweet spot for book-devouring in a recreational manner. 

I'm reading every YA book I can lay hands on, tearing through them while they're still relevant. Or at least before I turn 18 and become a legit adult who is no longer really allowed to read fun teen books and must move into the uncharted and potentially boring waters of adult books.

May as well admit right now that I love teen books. A lot. Yes, there are some godawful ones that I wouldn't force on an illiterate donkey, but there are some that are really good. I like to read about kids looking for something and figuring things out. They're relatable, and nobody tries to tell me about the difficulties of being an accountant. Also it doesn't hurt that 90% of the heroes are of the perfect attractive-to-wounded ratio.

For those uninitiated, the Golden Ratio of Heroes is a theoretical ratio I have proposed to explain why every male lead seems to be, at root, the same. From my observation, it looks like the ideal (at least if he is to be in any way romantic) male  lead must hit a perfect balance of wounded by his traumatic past, and determined to be a good person despite it. Of course in movies and tv this is accompanied by being physically quite attractive.

For example: I just now finished The Outsiders which is genuinely good, but clearly written by a teenage girl similar to myself. Pretty much every character is an example of the ratio, which is bit much. I mean, I appreciate the themes and everything, but she lays it on a bit thick at times. maybe S.E. Hinton just has more of a flair for drama than I. Or it could be that Ponyboy is the one with a dramatic edge, and the author is just really skilled at bringing that out in his narration? I dunno. I shouldn't review books.
(OH HEY LISA, GUESS WHO IS IN THE MOVIE VERSION? THAT'S RIGHT. FUCKIN' SWAYZE. WE'RE WATCHING IT.)
Unrelated: How the hell has everyone in the world read this except me? Seriously, it's like I'm the only person on Earth who didn't know Ponyboy was a name. 

A thought just occurred to me. What if the ratio is not a real thing? What if it's just what I consistently fall for? But if that were true, why is the ratio SO PREVALENT?! 

If anyone has thoughts, please share. 

If anyone needs to contact me, I'll be reading... I dunno. Judy Blume or some shit.

I'VE NEVER EVEN SEEN "LOST"

But even I know this is the best thing ever.

The best part: "HUUH!"

Comments.

Sorry guys, I just realized I can allow people to post comments without accounts. I've changed it to that, but it may be closing the barn door after the horses have left.

The Badass Playlist: Whipping Post

Since this summer, I've been having a southern rock phase.
Actually, that shot needs to be capitalized.
SOUTHERN ROCK.  Specifically the anthem-like ones.

As shameful as it may be to admit, I wasn't really all that familiar with The Allman Brothers Band until earlier this year. I downloaded a list of Rolling Stone's 500 best songs of all time or whatever, and when this song cropped up and I heard it for the first time... holy fucking hell.
It was everything a first love is supposed to be. Fireworks, goosebumps, the works. I pretty much passed out. That moment will forever be branded on my memory. (The last time I got so excited by a song on the first listen was Voodoo Chile. The long, crazy-amazing bluesy one. )

The vocals, the guitar, the organ, every single element of this song works for me. It puts me in a smoky dive bar, surrounded by beardy dudes in plaid who are not hipsters. It reminds me of cold beer and hot summer and the best possible kind of heartbreak.

I must accumulate all the available music by this band just to pay respect to the creators of this song.

Is that overstating things, perhaps?

Mysterious disembodied legs.

Every time I walk to work, I pass a house whose occupants seem to constantly be changing. It's kind of sketchy, as rental properties tend to be. The grass is always kind of too long, and their leaves are never raked, sidewalk shoveled only occasionally (depending on who lives there at the time!) and it seems to contain an endless supply of 30 year old dudes in their underwear. Not in the good way.

With this image in mind, could you blame me for having a tiny heart attack every time I walk past a pickup truck and see a pair of legs with no torso attached lying in the back?!!
No. Of course you couldn't. Disembodied legs are terrifying even before one factors in the unkempt-leaves situation.

Before you get all concerned about my ghetto neighborhood and call the police (I considered it), I should explain that these legs are not, in fact, made of flesh and bone. Some dude who lives in the sketchy house seems to pour concrete for a living or something and one day he decided to step out of his boots and concrete-encrusted overalls and leave them, holding the shape of his legs, in the back of his pickup.

I have a strong suspicion he watches me from his house to see if I jump every time.
I do.

Everything is Illuminated

Stemming from my love of Eugene Hutz, lead in Gogol Bordello, is a curiosity regarding everything he's produced. It turns out he's in a movie version of Everything is Illuminated, which led me to read it.

It's a good book, but I can't really put a finger on how I feel about it overall. Reviews of it talk about how the author is a new, fresh form of genius on the literary scene and blah blah da da da, but one can never be sure what that actually means. I always feel like being a book critic would be a matter of creating soundbites memorable and catchy enough to go on book covers, which would probably not be too hard.

The protagonist/writer is meant to be an interpretation of the author-Jonathan, with the skeleton of the story being a basic recreation of his own family-learning journey. To me, though, the real main character is Alex, his amateur translator. The novel's setup includes chapters of the main character's book, with some chapters written by Jonathan, some by Alex, and some chapters are composed of letters written to Jonathan from Alex after their adventures.

Chapters written by character-Jonathan don't interest me nearly as much as those written by Alex; they  just seem to go on and on (although in a beautifully-phrased way) about character-Jonathan's ancestors, for whom  I felt little to no affection. The stories include events which should be extremely personal, but the characters within them feel unsympathetic and a wee bit sociopathic at times. Maybe it's on purpose or maybe it's just me, but character-Jonathan's writing just doesn't grab me like the voice the author gave to Alex. 

One of the passages written by Jonathan was really memorable to me, though, and I've re-typed it here:

Brod's life was a slow realization that the world was not for her, and that for whatever reason, she would never be happy and honest at the same time. She felt as if she were brimming, always producing and hoarding more love inside her. But there was no release. Table, ivory elephant charm, rainbow, onion, hairdo, mollusk, Shabbos, violence, cuticle, melodrama, ditch, honey, doily... None of it moved her. She addressed her world honestly, searching for something deserving of the volumes of love she knew she had within her, but to each she would have to say, I don't love you. Bark-brown fence post: I don't love you. Poem too long: I don't love you. Lunch in a bowl:I don't love you. Physics, the idea of you, the laws of you: I don't love you. Nothing felt like anything more than what it actually was. Everything was just a thing, mired completely in its thingness.

I like this description of Brod's mindset, but I was disappointed in the way she can't seem to develop past it before I lose interest in her. (Again, this might be the point but it's not to my taste right now.) It could be that I lacked the inclination to really look into ancestor-based characters. I am quite lazy

But Alex! I love everything about Alex. From his thesaurus marred/enhanced English to his love of his family to his somewhat-altered accounts of their journey, he is easily the most likable character, and certainly more emotionally available. He adds levity to a lot of the book, but when he gets serious it doesn't feel forced to me.
Also, he is Eugene Hutz in the movie. =D

If you read it, tell me what you think.

Lisa's comment.

I found it! It was marked as spam because it was so long, but being the all-powerful blogger I am, I just marked it as "not spam" and then proceeded to hum about spam spam eggs and spam.

The Badass Playlist: American Wedding

Nobody can understand the pure orgasmic qualities of Eugene Hutz's being (and Gogol Bordello generally) without witnessing his music in some way.
Yes, his mustache causes women to pass out in the street and wake up pregnant whenever he walks by, and his eyes are impossibly blue and gorgeous... And his nose is super manly... and.. um.. why is he such a sexy bastard?... makes no sense... hmm...
What were we talking about?
RIGHT. THE MUSIC.

This guy is insane. Everyone in his band is insane. In the best. possible. way. Holy crap. My respectometer is OFF THE FUCKING GRID WITH THESE PEOPLE. They are representing European immigrants like no other, and it's awesome. I take great pride in being Canadian, but holy shit do these people make me want to be from Ukraine. The energy thrown around by Gogol Bordello could probably replace all need for any other sustenance. I WILL SEE THEM LIVE IF IT IS THE LAST THING I DO IN THIS LIFE.

And I think he bleeds vodka. Little bit.

The Badass Playlist: El Scorcho

Wikipedia says Rivers Cuomo used to hate this album. Bro is way too hard on himself, though, because after a few listens I think Pinkerton is my favourite Weezer album. It seems to be pretty much autobiographical (which would explain the hate for it), with a bunch of nerd-anthems. 

I mean.. I can see why they'd want to move past where they were at the time of this album, but it's full of some of their most relatable songs! You should just download the album, but if you want my picks they are: El Scorcho, Tired of Sex, Falling For You, and Pink Triangle. 

Full disclosure: I'm kind of in a Weezer phase, so you might get a few of these posts devoted to Weezer songs over the next few days/weeks.

Now I know Weezer is Rivers' band, but can we just discuss how freaking rad the rest of the band is?! While Rivers over there is trying to facially recreate his feelings of romantic failure and hopelessness, guitar guy is ROCKING THE FUCK OUT, 24/7. THAT MAN HAS NO TIME FOR ANGST, HE'S TOO BUSY ROCKING. HE WILL DANCE ALONE IF NEED BE.


Note: Lisa, Pinkerton is named after a character in Madame Butterfly, I think. According to Wikipedia. Does that make any sense?

Leave comments.

Do it.
I want feedback. At all times.
Put something in the little box, talk to me, tell me how you're feeling about my brain-spewing! As much as I love the sound of my own voice/tone of my own writing, I also like outside opinions!

Unproductivity

I know people aren't supposed to think this, but being unproductive is kind of amazing. I'm underemployed with minimal responsibility and I never want it to end!
Today, for instance, I had time to ponder for several uninterrupted minutes whether or not attractive man in the grocery store had smiled at me. Following that, I pondered whether or not I would want to pursue that, were I
a)his age and
b)certain that he had smiled at me, but then I wondered if 30 year old me would want to date someone grocery shopping at 2:30pm. No conclusion was reached. Daytime grocery shopping will have to be evaluated on a case-by-case basis.

Eventually I will get bored of this intensely lazy way of life, but in future years I'll probably miss it.
At this point I must sign off, as I am scheduled to work. For one hour.
Fuck yeah, unproductivity.

The Badass Playlist: MARVIN GAYE IS FUCKING AMAZING.

Lisa, your dad can suck it. Marvin is legendary. I'll fight anyone who says otherwise.
OBVIOUSLY he was not the only crazy amazing artist of the era, but he was BY NO MEANS a creator of bad music.  In a special edition of The Badass Playlist, I have compiled evidence to this effect.


First, I give you his ode to social change.



You can probably find a million better recordings of him singing this song, but I picked this one based on his tasteful, understated shirt (jumpsuit?) and sailor touque. Look at that pillar of sexiness and tell me you can resist him.
OH MY GOD LOOK AT HIS FRIEND IN THE GREEN WITH THE FRO. HOLY MOTHER I WANT TO KNOW HIM.



My second defense of Marvin:



Classic, classic, classic. Your lady is running around on you? This is the song you play. The perfect mix of soulful vocals and accusing backup singers.
My grandma loved this song, my mom loves this song, and I love this song. Motown is in our white, English/German/Chinese/Irish/whatever the fuck else blood.



Finally, the ORIGINAL. BABYMAKING. PANTY ANTHEM.



What more can I say?
"Anyone who doesn't love Marvin may be a soulless automaton", I guess, but otherwise I'm speechless

The Badass Playlist: Wrecking Ball

It was hard to narrow down which song(s) from Mother MotherI wanted on The Badass Playlist but I settled on this one.



There's something about his voice that I'm just in love with. Also, I feel like this could only be a Canadian band. During my totally scientific and unbiased studies I developed a sense that Canadian artists are the best when it comes to really visual songs, Mother Mother being no exception. We like our natural imagery and nature-based metaphors.
But maybe that's just me.

Time travel. Make it happen.

If I could be seventeen in 1999, I'd see Blink 182 weekly.
Just sayin'. It was a good year for them.

The Badass Playlist: Obsessed With You

I stumbled upon this video one time, and watched it 7 times in a row. Yes, I had time to kill, but the multiple viewings are indicative of the song's crazy catchiness, not my boredom!!

It's the sweetest little pop song I've ever heard,with a few sort of creepily adorable band members (the tambourine girl!). It gets stuck in my head LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER, which makes me feel kind of crazy, singing a song about obsession over and over and over...

ps. I listened to it like 4 times while writing this.

The Badass Playlist: Move On Up

READ THE POST ABOUT ME BEING A TOOL FIRST.

This is one of the many songs I picked to be on Lisa's going-to-college playlist, because it's about being badass and successful. It seems like a song anyone starting anything challenging and awesome should listen to, loud and often. 

And the album cover. Oh my God. I want to be that man. His outfit is a fiesta of pastel and what seems to be paisley. Like an Easter egg funk hunt. <3

I'm a tool.

I am most certainly the most woefully forgetful person ever. 

"Surely not!" you cry. "Of course there are more forgetful people, Anna!" you proclaim.

No, reader. You are incorrect. I am indeed the most forgetful.

You see, a dear friend of mine has decided that the best place to expand her knowledge is without a doubt Newfoundland. (Do not ask me why. I'm sure she has reasons.) With her relocation in mind, I set about creating the perfect goodbye gift. Or, rather, the perfect goodbye-until-Christmas gift. I put together what I considered to be among the most badass playlists to ever be compiled. Included were songs we'd listened to together, danced to in my car, talked about at length, learned the words to, done stupid things to, favourites of mine, and songs I figured she'd like. 

"But, Anna.." you wonder, "How could anyone call that a toolish act? And how does it make you forgetful?"

Well, dear reader...(sigh).. I forgot to give it to her. An act both toolish and forgetful.

Now you know. 

I am ashamed. 

I have two ideas to make this mistake up to my friend. I can either put this playlist onto a bunch of disks and send them to her via mail, or I can post one of the...180 songs here on this blog thing every day or so until she's heard them all.  Or maybe both. Thoughts? Please share them.

Happy belated birthday, Keanu!

I missed Keanu's birthday, but bro turned 46 this week! Now that you know that, Google pictures of him.
...Did you?
And did you notice HOW HE NEVER FREAKING AGES?!
I was going to put a picture in here and say something about how he's still Johnny Utah to me, but HE IS ACTUALLY STILL JOHNNY UTAH. With more hair, but still!
I wouldn't be surprised if he were a serious-looking cyborg who travels through time. I mean, smiling is clearly an effort for this man, but it never occurred to me that he had to learn human emotions by observation and is probably still a novice at facial expressions!
Despite his mopiness, I have genuine affection for Keanu. He seems like a sweet guy with normal-looking teeth (not bleach-bright veneers) and some amount of acting talent. It would be nice if he made a good movie involving him smiling.

Keanu... smiling, maybe?

Umwhat?

Today, I went to the library. I left with one book, and without 30 of the dollars I had previously possessed. How do people accumulate such fines? It's something of an art. A perfect storm of laziness, absence of memory, and procrastination, in my experience.

After being lightly scolded by an unusually kind librarian, I went to pick up some milk for my parents at Superstore, which was closing in 15 minutes. Being the badass I am, I had completed my task in 4 minutes flat. Being the ridiculously polite person I am, I ended up spending LITERALLY HOURS talking to the welcome guy at the front gate.

HOURS.

MORE THAN ONE HOUR.
PLURAL.

Don't get me wrong, he seems to be a lovely man. He seems to be somewhere between 25 and 30-something, extremely polite and very easy to talk to (evidently), but is two hours not an excessive amount of time to spend talking to a stranger? 

Something about the encounter made me slightly uncomfortable. Not the man himself, mind you, just the whole situation. Talking to a strange man who is not my age in a parking lot of a closed grocery store at night? HORRIBLE PLAN. Anyone will tell you that! Every time I reminded myself of this, however, the conversation turned to something interesting like the difference between Quebec French and what he called "true" French, or the challenges of being a black French man (which he is) and I lost track of time again.

He asked me out, kind of? I thought he may have been? He said "May I ask you away from here?" which is kind of vague.

I told him how old I am and said no.

He laughed, and said that was okay, he hoped to be my friend.

I was noncommittal. 

So, on one hand: Kind of sketchy in terms of appropriateness. 

On the other hand: He seemed to just genuinely like talking to me, and be in search of some help with his English.

How can a seventeen year old girl be "friends" with a 30-something French dude?

Is that weird? I feel like it's weird. 

Is it inappropriate for him to be asking me for  my phone number? (I declined.) I feel like it is.

I can see hanging out with him a few times, but ... we seem to be in such different demographics that a long term friendship of any sort isn't really feasible.  

This time of life is an awkward phase. I'm done high school, but I'm still wearing braces. I'll be able to vote soon, but I live at home with my parents and plan to until after university. I'm a kid who knows nothing about the adult world, suddenly thrown into it headfirst, greeted by a tall French guy whose second job is smiling at people as they come in to grocery shop.

Seriously world, wtf.

The Man List: Ryan Gosling

He's probably thinking about social justice right now. 

Think back, if you will, to the evening we spent watching a movie in which he does chin-ups. Remember? I thought so. In fact, I'm willing to bet it's the only thing you remember about that movie at all.

Here he is rowing a boat. Don’t pretend like it matters why- I’m not. I’m envisioning boat-sex. Don’t judge.

Basically:
Tall + Beardy +Smart + Talented + Cares About Shit + Canadian= Crazy Delicious.

Oh, and he campaigned for Obama in 2008, in case you're interested in DAMN FINE DEMOCRATS.

Mmm. Guava.

Here he is drinking a smoothie intensely and walking. Suddenly, these seem like really fucking sexy activities. Fuck yeeaaaahhhh bicepsssss...

Check out http://fuckyeahryangosling.tumblr.com/ , it makes me chuckle.

The Man List: Ryan Reynolds

“Oh, hey there. You seem to have caught me unawares, on a beach without my sexy-as-all-fuck t-shirt. Know what I want to do when I’m surprised? Have hot sex. And crack jokes, but mostly the first one. Cool?”

S    Seriously, HOW DID HE GET SO FINE?! THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW.

The Man List: Colin "Sexy Beast" Farrell

THINGS THAT ARE HOT ABOUT COLIN FARRELL

• Eyebrows. Manly eyebrows make me instantly horny. 
• Look at the freaking puppy-dog eyes in the picture below. Those get me hot every time. It goes: him looking at me, me looking at him, vaporization of pants. It’s a great sequence of events. 
• AAAUUGGHHH SUCH HOT STUBBLE!!! DAMN, I LOVE ME SOME BEARDY MEN. 
• ACCENT 
• I kind of just love this picture a lot.



All this clothing is wearing me out. Know what’s refreshing? Sex. =D

The Man List: Brad Mo'Effing Pitt.

Why? Bitch, do not question me. You watched Thelma and Louise... and Troy... and Fight Club...

Basically every movie he is in involves him being ridiculously sexy. 

The 90s was a decade full of lucky bitches who got to enjoy him in his prime. Mmmm, Thelma and Louise. ...Fortunately, he also makes a hot dad. 

Which leads me to: He likes kids a lot. Has like 50 of them with some bitch I’ve never heard of. Everyone knows that Hot Man + Baby = HOTTER Man. 

Really, the question is: Why the fuck not? There is not one single (non-sketchy-facial-hair-related) reason.

This picture is lol. But I'd still hit it, given the chance.

This might not be the best example photo but it made me laugh, so...