IT'S COMING.

THE SIX FLAMING CIRCLES OF THE MENSTRUATION ZONE

PHASE ONE: BLOAT LIKE A LIFEBOAT.
 During which I inhale all food-based things in the world. My kitchen is emptied, the chocolate stores of our city are depleted, and the lovely men at Mac's give me knowing/fearful looks. I begin my transition into hippodom

PHASE TWO: OPERATION KIDNAP MENFOLK.
 During which Man List entries triple, my neck suffers from constant whiplash, and the Rogers near my house is immediately out of all Jake Gyllenhaal movies. Also, youtube breaks because of all the times I watch the "Bad Romance" video where he talks in French.
When all that gets old, I put on my sexiest man-pants and hit the dog park.

PHASE THREE: CUNTPUNCHING ANGERFURY
 I 100% blame my uterus for this. It's bitter because I failed to put a baby in it during phase two. Uterus does not take disappointment well. As a result, I become a SheHulk of irrational jugular rippage. And, of course, cuntpunching. During this violent and manic phase my newfound hippoesque shape begins to make sense, as I am also the most dangerous and lethal animal in the world.

PHASE FOUR: SOUL-WRACKING WEEPFEST
 Maybe it's the guilt over phase three, but once the blinders of pure rage have been taken off I succumb to what can only be describes as sheer mental and emotional instabilty. Any little thing will set me off, and most of them do. My favourite place to cry deeply for no reason? under the overhang of my kitchen counter by the fridge.
During this phase I tend to use up an incredible amount of tissue and watch The Notebook like 40 times.

PHASE FIVE: LABOR-SIMULATING ICEPICK CRAMPS.
 I think you know.
At least I'm prepared for the inevitable Viking triplets.  (Knowing my luck and my penchant for light-haired men, it's bound to happen...)


PHASE SIX: OPEN THE FUCKING FLOODGATES, ALREADY. SERIOUSLY, ENOUGH PREGAME BULLSHIT, UNLEASH SPARTA BEFORE I STAB MYSELF WITH A HAAGEN-DAZS POPSICLE STICK.

...and with that, monsoon season is underway.


********NOTE!!*******
The above information should be visualized not as a sequential list or stable pyramid. It's a Venn diagram, meaning that sometimes two or more (or, God forbid, ALL) of the phases may coexist simultaneously.
Go forth and conquer, my fellow hormonal head cases.