The Badass Playlist: Ring The Alarm

Despite being ambivalent towards relationships in general, I sincerely hope that if a man of mine were cheating, I would go THIS CRAZY:

Even when I'm terrified of Beyonce she is still my top lady-crush.

IT'S COMING.

THE SIX FLAMING CIRCLES OF THE MENSTRUATION ZONE

PHASE ONE: BLOAT LIKE A LIFEBOAT.
 During which I inhale all food-based things in the world. My kitchen is emptied, the chocolate stores of our city are depleted, and the lovely men at Mac's give me knowing/fearful looks. I begin my transition into hippodom

PHASE TWO: OPERATION KIDNAP MENFOLK.
 During which Man List entries triple, my neck suffers from constant whiplash, and the Rogers near my house is immediately out of all Jake Gyllenhaal movies. Also, youtube breaks because of all the times I watch the "Bad Romance" video where he talks in French.
When all that gets old, I put on my sexiest man-pants and hit the dog park.

PHASE THREE: CUNTPUNCHING ANGERFURY
 I 100% blame my uterus for this. It's bitter because I failed to put a baby in it during phase two. Uterus does not take disappointment well. As a result, I become a SheHulk of irrational jugular rippage. And, of course, cuntpunching. During this violent and manic phase my newfound hippoesque shape begins to make sense, as I am also the most dangerous and lethal animal in the world.

PHASE FOUR: SOUL-WRACKING WEEPFEST
 Maybe it's the guilt over phase three, but once the blinders of pure rage have been taken off I succumb to what can only be describes as sheer mental and emotional instabilty. Any little thing will set me off, and most of them do. My favourite place to cry deeply for no reason? under the overhang of my kitchen counter by the fridge.
During this phase I tend to use up an incredible amount of tissue and watch The Notebook like 40 times.

PHASE FIVE: LABOR-SIMULATING ICEPICK CRAMPS.
 I think you know.
At least I'm prepared for the inevitable Viking triplets.  (Knowing my luck and my penchant for light-haired men, it's bound to happen...)


PHASE SIX: OPEN THE FUCKING FLOODGATES, ALREADY. SERIOUSLY, ENOUGH PREGAME BULLSHIT, UNLEASH SPARTA BEFORE I STAB MYSELF WITH A HAAGEN-DAZS POPSICLE STICK.

...and with that, monsoon season is underway.


********NOTE!!*******
The above information should be visualized not as a sequential list or stable pyramid. It's a Venn diagram, meaning that sometimes two or more (or, God forbid, ALL) of the phases may coexist simultaneously.
Go forth and conquer, my fellow hormonal head cases.

The Badass Playlist: Touch The Sky

Lisa, this one is for you specifically. You have said you don't get my love for KANYE, so I've picked the video which will best illustrate my reasoning to you.
Okay, actually I just love this one because Nia Long is hilarious in it, and the 70s were great. You'll notice they sample the first Badass Playlist song for this one, and in the video include an unaltered clip. Maybe the influence of Curtis Mayfield is behind my deep love of this song, but KANYE in general stands on his own to me.
You don't need to agree. But in the case of Nia Long hilarity, I think you will.

The Badass Playlist: Apeman

This might be one of my favourite songs of all time. I found it this summer, and it is marvellous. The Kinks put to word/music exactly how I feel, complete with chill, backyard barbeque-on-an-island vibe.

Earlier today, I was feeling shitty. Now, with the help of The Kinks and Supertramp, I feel much better.
Listen to it, and try to resist imagining a cartoony jungle scene.
OHMAHGAD. NO WONDER I LOVE THIS SONG SO MUCH. IT IS CLEARLY SIMILAR IN THEME TO "THE JUNGLE BOOK" WHICH WAS MY CHILDHOOD FAVOURITE.  =D

Urrggg.

Today is gross. Late October is never pretty around here, and it sucks.
Also contributing to the suck:
My boobs hurt.
I'm crabby.
I wasted most of today waiting around and looking for pre-made bread dough.
I forgot to take my book back to the library.
There's a bunch of shit I've lost recently that was somewhat expensive.
My feet are cold.
Bad news from several sources.
I went back to my old school today and it made me really quite upset for no reason.  (How many of these things spell PMS to you?)


AANNNYYWWAAYYY. Not feeling so hot. As a result I am going to make delicious cheese buns and become massively fat. Why? Because I've never heard of an unhappy manatee.

Pushup bras.

These things are super hilarious. I kind of love them. 

There is a distinct worry about the whole false-advertising aspect of things, but can easily be circumvented by avoiding the use of a pushup when meeting men for the first time. By avoiding excessive boob-lifting usage, one can keep expectations realistic and also whip 'em out when the situation calls for it. Or when wearing a v-neck t-shirt. Or really any time. 

Boobs are fun. =)

The Man List: Astrological signs.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: AQUARIUS.
Taylor Lautner: ALSO AN AQUARIUS.
Ryan Gosling:  SCORPIO
Ryan Reynolds: ALSO A SCORPIO!
Colin Farrell: GEMINI
Brad Pitt: SAGITTARIUS!

Again, not that this means anything. It just seems like the sort of thing that should be included.

Astrology. Fo realz.

DISCLAIMER: I realize there is no scientific and/or factual basis for astrology whatsoever and it is all speculation and cash-grabbing. At no point have I forgotten this, nor will I ever contradict it. 

BUT SERIOUSLY GUYS. SOMETIMES IT'S SO ACCURATE I GET FREAKED OUT.

Earlier tonight I was talking Steph down from a pms-induced craziness (love you, Steph.) and we got onto the topic of Joseph Gordon-Levitt and his loin-wrenchingly good face. Being the weirdo I am, I mentioned that he is,  in fact, an Aquarius, leading us to a long discussion about what several different signs "mean" about people, and so on and so forth. 

We only read about Steph, me and Lisa, but holy crap, you guys. I kept expecting something to come up like "organized" or maybe "mysterious" or even "coordinated"  to just fuck it all to hell, but NOPE. NOT HAPPENING. THE FURTHER YOU GO INTO OUR CHARTS, THE MORE ACCURATE THEY BECOME. THIS IS WRONG, AND DEFIES LOGIC. 

Our basic, fundamental similarities are outlined in our sun sign, Sagittarius, and our subtle, more personal differences are CLEARLY EXPLAINED in the descriptions of our "moon signs". Not even sure what that means, but this book I have has legit creepy accuracy. (Steph's moon is in Cancer, mine is in Aries, Lisa's in Libra.) Every two sentences I'd be like "Oh, obviously. I could have told you that". It was weird.

It's not like any of the information was new or shocking to anyone involved, but the weirdly accurate book being weirdly accurate was the weird part. 

It was fucking weird. 

Lisa, get in touch with me. I'll explain to you what astrology thinks you should be like according to my creepy book.

OH YEAH. THE POINT OF THIS WAS TO ANNOUNCE THAT FROM NOW ON I WILL INCLUDE THE ASTROLOGICAL SIGNS OF MAN LIST ENTRIES. TAKE FROM THAT WHAT YOU WILL. (Or just ask me and I'll explain it. =D )

The Badass Playlist: There's An Arc

I've probably showed you this before, but watch it anyway. No complaining.


I love everything about this video and have watched it at least 90 times. There is no aspect of it that is in any way unsatisfactory. (Also, I would have sex with at least three of the band members. You probably know which ones if we've met at all. )
Even though I'm from Alberta, a province only linked to the Rock in the way that its people come here to find work, this band leaves me with what I can only interpret as a strong connection to the East. I'm pretty sure that seeing this band play live would induce a full on Canadiangasm, but I mostly really want to just be bros with these people.
And buy plaid.
Lots. and lots. of plaid.
LOOK AT HOW HUGE THE GUITARIST'S HANDS ARE HOOOOLY SHIT.

Girls.

It's easy to forget just how lucky I am to have such badass friends to count on. It baffles me consistently that there are people who don't recognize the awesomeness of my friends and instead decide to hang out with boring, stupid people who wouldn't help you move your couch if you paid them.
I love you guys.

BABIES, MOTHERFUCKER.

LEGENDARY BABIES.
THE NEIL PATRICK HARRIS AND DAVID BURTKA BABIES HAVE ARRIIIIVVEEDDD!! =D
THEIR NAMES ARE GIDEON SCOTT AND HARPER GRACE AND I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL THEY ARE ALL GROWN UP AND NPH IS FUCKING 60 AND STILL BEING AWESOME AT THEIR FIRST OSCARS.
WHY IS THIS SO EXCITING TO ME?!!

Detroit.

I think I'd like to go to Detroit. It gets a bad reputation sometimes, but the urban decay and rumored crime rates don't change the feeling I have that it's going to come back. I want to see the before and after, to tell my kids that I was there.
Detroit will rise again! And it will be awesome. I bet it's happening right now. Investors with money and young people with not-so-much money but an interest in city living will take over and the whole thing will be a bustling metropolis again in no time. Maybe it'll be a hipster mecca like Brooklyn. (Brooklyn wasn't the cool borough 20 years ago, right?) I'm sure a group of pretentious douches could find lots of irony in the economic failure of the motor city. Actually, no hipsters please.
And no more race riots, if possible. We can leave those behind in the 20th century.

The Man List: JOSEPH. GORDON. LEVITT.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt has a profound and extremely inconvenient effect on my reproductive system. 

"Ladies?"

Somehow, he's gone from adorable child/teen actor to among the most undergarment-ruining of men on the Earth. 

Where to even start?
Oh, I know. How about HIS AMAZING FACE.  

Excellent example photo, right?

Seriously, though. His face is amazing.  


Dark eyes that get all crinkly when he smiles, incredibly mobile/expressive eyebrows (y'all know how I love a good set of brows), gorgeous smirk, square jaw and just heartbreaking dimples. 

He is everything I want in a man and we haven't even progressed past his collar, for fuck's sake!

"You plan to keep your pants on, do you? We'll see.."

Deep breaths. We're going to get through this without spontaneously combusting, Anna. Chill.

Now, onto THAT VOICE.

He's growly and gravelly one minute, sexing my pants off with his sexiness and then, as if he decided to amp up the fuckability factor even further, bro decides to SING.
He makes even the most random songs into paralyzing anthems of sex with the crazy amount of feeling he puts into everything.
Oh, did I mention he does it all in TWO LANGUAGES?
That's right, bitches. He's fucking cultured.


Even the most hardened anti-Gaga crusader can't resist the man when he sexily sings Bad Romance while sexily being sexy with his sexy sex. I mean guitar.


Show me someone who thinks they hate this song, and I'll show you someone who leaves this video with a hand down their pants and no memory of how they got there. That good.


I don't speak a word of French, and even I could tell he's saying dirty things in that song. Just by the look on his face. Holy shit he's sexy.
(Looked it up. He's totally talking dirty. What a sexy beast.)

The supermodel is irrelevant

I could go on for many days about how very much I would like to have sex with Joseph Gordon-Levitt. And how very much I would have given to be here.
Instead of doing that, though, I'm going to simply let you decide for yourselves and tell me all about your conclusions.  


BUT FIRST.
MORGAN M. MORGENSEN.
MAKES ME HABERDASHED AND HORNIFIED.
He is verily procreational. 


That is all. =D

The Badass Playlist: My President

This song has very specific memories attached to it with both Lisa and Steph. If you are Lisa or Steph, try to remember!

FOR SOME STRANGE REASON MY SON ADDICTED TO POLOS!!!

I don't think Jeezy should be talking for all black people or anything, because she says some random crap in this song, but holy shit do I love it. It's TRIUMPHANT, BITCHES!

I cried when Obama was elected. 

I also almost cried when this video censored "Honey's a pole-itician" which makes me lol every single time. SHE'S A POLE-ITICIAN, DAMN IT! STOP OPPRESSING HER. 

(Wouldn't it be nice if more people still got this fired up about the whole Obama thing? Besides Republican tv pundits, I mean.. Fox news doesn't count. I mean.. any lack of progress by his administration is pretty much due to constant opposition for no reason from stubborn, bitter Republicans, isn't it? Everyone has a right to their views, but does everyone's view need to involve a fucking filibuster every two seconds?
And Lambos. Who's keeping up with the colours of Jeezy's Lambos nowadays? These are the questions.)

EDIT:   BEST PART OF THIS VIDEO IS THE EXTREMELY EXCITED MAN GESTURING TO A TOTALLY RELATED SIGN THAT SAYS GANDHI.
SOMEWHERE AROUND "I WILL EMAIL JESUS".
THIS SONG IS GREAT. 

The Badass Playlist: Bust A Move

BUST IT.

...I was going to just leave it at that, but so much needs to be said about this video.

For one thing: the shirtless guy about 5 seconds in. More of him, please? He is clearly full of glee and contempt for torso adornment other than what the good lord gave him. (Chest hair. We're talking about chest hair and joyous dancing. Hot.)

Secondly: High-waisted bike shorts. Stretchy and practical, or spandex scourge of disappointment and circulation-ruination? Discuss. Why does every woman want to wear a pair of these?And what makes neon green ones so much sexier? I just don't understand.
Why does that one girl's have stop signs in the butt? YOUR BOOTY IS TELLING ME FULL SPEED AHEAD, BUT YOUR SHORTS ARE TELLING ME TO PUMP THE BRAKES.
STOP PLAYIN, GIRL.

Third: HIS HAIR. WHAT IS IT?! Speaking of things I don't understand, is Young MC's hair a baby fro-mullet? Why? Why is it that?! Just go the whole nine yards and get a haircut for the remaining 8% of your head, bro.

I'm too lazy to number things beyond three but I have additional concerns.:

-Your high school experience may have been different, but mine had abysmally few plaid-wearing strippers in the cafeteria. Maybe it was just on Wednesdays?

-JALIL?!!!

-How old is Young MC, really? That's a serious 'stache he has.

-Those bitches have SWEET leather jackets. Jealous.

-Is yellow bow girl experiencing seizures?

-This dance party actually just looks like unusually co-ordinated hipsters. Could this be the return of bike shorts?

- FLEA

IT'S FLEA

FLEA IS IN THIS VIDEO

WITH HIS STUFFED ANIMAL PANTS

OH MY GOD

OH MY FUCKING GOD.

ALL OTHER CONCERNS RENDERED IRRELEVANT.

-Oh, spoke too soon. This wedding. Oh my. Can we get married like this? I don't care to whom, but in these outfits. 

Anyway. BUST IT.

The Badass Playlist: Valerie

The Everclear song reminded me of this one, and it actually IS on the playlist!
There's some delicious pop going on in this song. People probably like to sing along with it as much as I do.
It's catchy as hell. I sing it in the shower often and loudly.
Do you liiiike it? (You might get that as a reference to my sister. If not, don't fret.)

I put it on the playlist because it seems like a song inclined towards group song-making and general positivity. Maybe it's the horns, maybe it's the "VALEREEEEHHHHH", but in any case it definitely works for me. I like when a band goes all-out on something simple. It's kind of like a grilled cheese sandwich of songs. Simple, but comforting, and never inappropriate or unappreciated.

The Badass Playlist: Santa Monica

Full disclosure: This was not technically on the original playlist, but it's been stuck in my head so I'm sharing it. Sometimes it comes on the radio and I'm struck by a strong urge to sing along loudly. Sadly I know only  3% of the words, so I looked it up!
Turns out it 100% goes with the 90's nostalgia I have no right to be feeling. Mmm, plaid..
Nostalgia for the 90s is kind of the same as nostalgia for the 70s in my mind. I'm sure the 60s and 80s were amazing and blah blah with the drugs and polyester and stuff, but there's something about the 90s and 70s that strikes me as kind of gritty and genuine and stripped-down, which I prefer. (Obviously both decades have their sparkly side, what with disco and boy bands, but ultimately what people remember is Zeppelin and Nirvana. Long-haired, denim-wearing rockers.)
Everclear was pretty popular, and I think fairly mainstream on rock radio, but the nice thing about good rock is it's immunity to being spoiled by exposure.
Anyway, here it is. Crank it if possible. 1995 misses you.

The Black Keys.

I was going to make this a Badass Playlist, but I can't pick!  There is no other band I an this head-over-heels for, no band I simply cannot look at objectively. It's like being waaaay too into a guy. Or at least what one imagines that feeling to be like.
I DEFINITELY LIKE THIS BAND MORE THAN ANY GUY EVER. (Not Earth shattering, considering my track record.) THIS IS A DEEP AND ABIDING LOVE.
I MUST AMASS CDS. RIGHT NOW.

Cats.

Cons:
Make me itchy.
Make my eyes feel like the Sahara.
Bitey.
Claws all over the place.
Shed like madmen.
Illogical levels of stink.
Wtf litter boxes?
Like to sleep on my face.
Don't listen.
Not dog people.

Pros:
KITTENS OMG.
SO FUCKING CUTEEEEEEE!!!!

Recent Decision.

I am in love with George Stroumboulopoulos. That man could tell me anything and I would believe him.

The Badass Playlist: Tunnels

Most people with any interest in indie music, Canadian music, or good music have heard of Arcade Fire. This whole album is beautiful, especially after a few listens.
I picked this onto the playlist because it's not as worn-out as some of the ones you may have encountered. You will find no hate for "Wake Up" here, but after being in that movie preview and being blasted in my friend's car every day for months on end, I can't even think too hard about that song without feeling the bile rise into my throat.
Which sucks, because it's gorgeous and used to affect me in such a fantastic way. Fortunately, there's always the rest of the album. (And the other albums!)
Anyway, enough babble.

I don't remember if this was a single or anything, but it's a great example of the slow-build type of song that I associate with the band.  It's just good. Usually here I ask if you agree, but I don't even care. If you decide to dislike Arcade Fire I will just pretend you didn't tell me anyway.

Most importantly: LISTEN TO THE ENTIRE ALBUM IN SEQUENCE.

The Badass Playlist: Planet Rock

This song is on the playlist purely because I feel Lisa will have a deep affinity for these men (Afrika Bambaataa) and their style of dress. If Lisa were able to let her sense of fashion run rampant the results would be similar to the band's costume bus. I'm assuming they need an  entire bus.
Hopefully this video helps you see where I'm coming from here.



Also people say that this song helped invent hip-hop as a genre, but I have no idea!
Thoughts? Questions?
Plans to buy giant headdresses or metallic Viking hats?
Lemme know.

ZZNNNN ZNNNZ NZNNNNZZNNNN <--3:30

DAD'S BEARD

IT'S STILL FUCKING AWESOME.

MY DAD. 
IS GROWING. 
A BEARD.

The Badass Playlist: The General Specific

There's no exciting video to this song, so just listen to it.


This is on the Badass Playlist simply because I love it. It's the sound of road trips and rivers and summer and barbeque. It's perfect to drive to, and it's going to be on repeat when I one day drive out to get Lisa from Newfoundland. (By the way, Lisa, is there no university less than 6 days drive from here?)

Maybe it's the influecne of the singer's magical beard, but I feel like most people will enjoy this song.  Tambourine, handclaps, piano reminiscent of an old saloon? Perfection.

Let me know if you agree.

Books.

I sometimes think about how weird it is that I've missed reading, but it isn't, really. Until recently I hadn't picked up a book in ages, and hadn't finished one in far, far longer. As a card-carrying bookworm, it should come as no surprise that I missed books like one misses a limb. (or maybe just a finger or two.)

During high school there was no shortage of reading, obviously, what with textbooks and paper-writing (when I actually engaged in such things). Also taking English taught me a lot about how to get more out of  "literature" by forcing it down my throat, so maybe that's why I barely noticed the absence of book stacks and staggering library fines. Putting a book in front of me would simply have been like chucking Evian at a drowning woman. 

Now, though, that I'm without the constant stimuli of school, the lack of books is thrown into sharp relief. There's only so much internet I care to see, and only so much Jersey Shore one person can watch before the real world becomes kind of tedious. (I mean, really. Who keeps thinking it's a good idea to bring in Angelina?! Fools.) Soon I'll get another job and finish my goddamnfuckingmath coursework and lack the time/energy to read, so I'm doing it now. This part of my life is the sweet spot for book-devouring in a recreational manner. 

I'm reading every YA book I can lay hands on, tearing through them while they're still relevant. Or at least before I turn 18 and become a legit adult who is no longer really allowed to read fun teen books and must move into the uncharted and potentially boring waters of adult books.

May as well admit right now that I love teen books. A lot. Yes, there are some godawful ones that I wouldn't force on an illiterate donkey, but there are some that are really good. I like to read about kids looking for something and figuring things out. They're relatable, and nobody tries to tell me about the difficulties of being an accountant. Also it doesn't hurt that 90% of the heroes are of the perfect attractive-to-wounded ratio.

For those uninitiated, the Golden Ratio of Heroes is a theoretical ratio I have proposed to explain why every male lead seems to be, at root, the same. From my observation, it looks like the ideal (at least if he is to be in any way romantic) male  lead must hit a perfect balance of wounded by his traumatic past, and determined to be a good person despite it. Of course in movies and tv this is accompanied by being physically quite attractive.

For example: I just now finished The Outsiders which is genuinely good, but clearly written by a teenage girl similar to myself. Pretty much every character is an example of the ratio, which is bit much. I mean, I appreciate the themes and everything, but she lays it on a bit thick at times. maybe S.E. Hinton just has more of a flair for drama than I. Or it could be that Ponyboy is the one with a dramatic edge, and the author is just really skilled at bringing that out in his narration? I dunno. I shouldn't review books.
(OH HEY LISA, GUESS WHO IS IN THE MOVIE VERSION? THAT'S RIGHT. FUCKIN' SWAYZE. WE'RE WATCHING IT.)
Unrelated: How the hell has everyone in the world read this except me? Seriously, it's like I'm the only person on Earth who didn't know Ponyboy was a name. 

A thought just occurred to me. What if the ratio is not a real thing? What if it's just what I consistently fall for? But if that were true, why is the ratio SO PREVALENT?! 

If anyone has thoughts, please share. 

If anyone needs to contact me, I'll be reading... I dunno. Judy Blume or some shit.